


isolation feelings

by onlyindreamz



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: AIM - Freeform, Angst, Awkward conversation about weird and confusing feelings, Established Relationship, Happy Ending, In the teenager way, M/M, Nothing at all detailed or graphic, Quarantine, References/discussion of sex, Zoom - Freeform, i guess, i guess?, video calls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:35:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27021346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlyindreamz/pseuds/onlyindreamz
Summary: During the lockdown, Christine wants to Zoom call with Michael and Jeremy. Jeremy feels guilty about missing Christine in a certain way, even though he is in a relationship with Michael. He talks to Michael about it.
Relationships: (past) Jeremy Heere/Christine Canigula (kind of?), Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	isolation feelings

**Author's Note:**

> written in Jeremy's (limited) point of view

One month into being home of school because of the shutdown, Christine proposes holding a Zoom call between her, Michael, and Jeremy, the following week.Zoom is all the rage, she tells them, with all the teachers jumping on the opportunity to schedule classes.

("I hate being videod against my will," Michael complained to Jeremy, a few weeks beforehand. "How do we know who's watching us? What happened to everyone keeping stickers over their webcams?)

Being "videod" made Jeremy nervous, too. Especially since this will be the first time video-chatting with Christine since everyone was sent home. But still.Jeremy kind of has no choice but to accept the Zoom-prosal. He marks the date in his phone, so he doesn't forget.

Jeremy misses Christine. Jeremy really, really misses Christine. In maybe weird ways. They've officially broken up, and everything, and it was mostly mutual, and either way he's with Michael now, so he doesn't know why he misses her so much.

He video-chats with Michael all the time, though. On AIM.

Jeremy feels bad about missing Christine when he has Michael. Michael is so amazing.

"I miss everything," Jeremy tells him over AIM, the day before Christine's scheduled Zoom.

"Everything?" Michael questions, probably referring to the vast quantity of pre-shutdown stuff that Michael certainly doesn't miss. Michael seems to be mostly enjoying staying home. He can get all his work done, and not have to talk to people, or whatever.

"Well, some things more than others. Maybe not in the ways in I should."

Jeremy should tell him he feels bad, right? Honesty is a big deal in relationships.

Michael's multitasking, playing Minecraft, or something. "What do you mean by that?"

"Like maybe I miss things, and they aren't in the right priority order...Or they aren't proportional... Correctly."

"It's not wrong to miss things, man. I miss you."

Jeremy rolls his eyes. "I know that. I miss you too."

"So what are you worried about?"

"I miss more than just you. I miss Christine too."

"Uh, same. I don't know how I can go on without daily oral editorials."

Yeah. Jeremy gets that. That isn't it, though.

"But it's- it's not proportional. I think I miss her in a weird way."

Michael looks concerned. His eyes stop looking all around at his screen. They're looking down in the corner of it, as if he's making eye-contact with him. "A weird way?"

Jeremy doesn't want Michael to be concerned. He doesn't want to scare him. He just wants to be honest. Honesty is a big deal in relationships.

But so is not scaring your best friend/boyfriend. "I don't know, man. It's just weird."

Jeremy feels bad for even having brought it up, now.

"Do you mean in a, uh," Michael cringes, "romantic way?"

"I don't know. Not really. But also maybe. I've just been thinking about the times me and her were together, like together-together, and I miss it. I don't want it again, but I still miss it, and I miss that feeling."

Michael considers it. "...Together-together?"

Jeremy had hoped Michael would know what he meant. "Yeah, you know... like," he hates this, "...intimacy."

"Do you not think we have that?" Michael asks, tentative. He sounds worried.

"No, Michael, not like. I didn't mean that. Of course we have that. I just mean, we don't have sex."

Jeremy sees the realization hit him. He looks incredibly uncomfortable.

"You want to have sex with Christine?"

Wrong realization! "No! Michael, no, I don't- I don't want to get back together with her or anything. I just think about it sometimes. I promise, I don't want-"

"Okay, it's okay, I believe you. But I'm not really following the reason you're telling me all this."

"Because I felt bad about it and I wanted you to know." Jeremy doesn't feel any better for having done so. He's mostly embarrassed. "Honesty, or whatever."

Michael pauses, probably in consideration. He's staring at what is probably his keyboard. It's almost funny how the two of them avert eye contact even when communicating with screens. 

"...Thank you for telling me, then, I guess."

"Uh, yeah."

Jeremy didn't want to hurt Michael's feelings. He can't really tell what he's thinking, or feeling, over calls sometimes, including right now. It's quiet. They are quiet all the time during calls, especially when they're both doing other things, but this is an exceptionally awkward quiet.

Without thinking, Jeremy ends it. "Maybe me and you could be together-together."

Michael eyes widen for a second. He doesn't say anything.

"We don't have to. I didn't mean to spring that on you. I'm sorry. I just miss you so much. I miss being together-together, and we never have, and so maybe that's why I kind of miss doing it with Christine. But I don't want to do it with Christine anymore, I want to do it with you, but uh, yeah, yeah, that's all up to you, and I'm sorry, I... yeah."

More quiet. Keyboards are interesting. Some keys are more worn than others. Michael probably knows how to replace keyboards.

"I want to be with you like that too, Jeremy," Michael says, quietly.

"Really?"

"Man, of course I want to. I fucking totally want to be together-together with you."

"Well, why don't we?" Jeremy knows the answer. He's desperate.

"Dude, we can't. We can't even be normal-together right now." 

This sucks. Jeremy sighs. "Yeah, I know." He knows, and he knows why, and he accepts it, but he still doesn't like it.

Jeremy looks at Michael on his computer screen, and everything in him wants to touch him and hug him and TOUCH HIM and he can't and it's awful. Michael looks at him, too. The closest they can get to eye contact. 

They look at each other until Michael groans and puts his head down on his keyboard. When looks back up, he says, "You know, it's fine, if you think about Christine sometimes. I'm not going to be mad at you for it."

That's relieving. Jeremy does think about Christine, sometimes. Jeremy hopes it's just because of being home alone. That must be why he hasn't video called her, and why he's so nervous about the Zoom call; He's afraid he'll feel the same way with her he does with Michael right now. And, god, does he feel a way about Michael.

"You're the best. I'm serious. I wish you were here."

"I know."

This is painful! This is miserable!

"We'll have to figure something out," Michael says.

(They always do, don't they?)

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably a strange fic. I can't tell. It's the first thing I've written in forever. Also, it doesn't really end properly.
> 
> Well, anyway, thank you for reading! I always appreciate feedback of any kind. Especially comments! :)


End file.
